an Apple day

we have hit a sweet spot!

Tallulah is finally getting it! She is understanding, able to communicate, responds, still has tantrums when it isn't HER way, but is having a repentant heart. I love it. She is so kind to her sister, most of the time, so gentle a compassionate.

Sophia is crawling and eating and is such a joy! She is silly and lights up when you make eye contact with her. She is inquisitive. She LOVES her sister!

Oh how I LOVE these girls.

I feel like I am out of the crazies now...Praise GOD!!!

On the other hand, something is stirring inside of me. I feel like walls are going up. I NEED to spend time with my God. I want to be soft and mold-able. I want to be raw, refreshed...like new.

We woke up to snow this morning and the first thing that came to me was the song "wash me white as snow, so I could be made whole..." I love that HE does that. For our earth and our souls. Crisp. Refreshing. New. Yes, God IS good.

prince

Tallulah and I were pretending that we got "bippidiboppidibooed". Then we danced with the prince (which Tallulah calls daddy, because, well, the man I dance with is called daddy) and I asked her if she knew what a prince was and she didn't and I proceeded to tell her that a prince is a man that loves Jesus and loves her...she started dancing with her prince and I asked "did Daddy say you could marry him?!" and she said "Ya! he loves Jesus AND me!"

took 8 years of fall to get spring

for my amazing husband...and to remember what God has done in us:

God is so good.

I have been married for 8 years. I have loved my husband for almost 9. I have struggled with how to LIVE this out for well, about 8 years. How did something so amazing and wonderful and life-changing become so...well... life-changing?! I remember that I loved him. I remember what had me love him. His heart, his love to serve and his humility before our great God. I loved his gentleness. He was kind. He was raw and vulnerable, in the way a man who loves God should be. He meant what he said and he said what he meant. He was love-able, like he needed to be loved. He deserved to be loved. He was smart, no, brilliant. He was creative and had thoughts. He was unique, to the truest form of the word. He was confident, not because he met the world's standards, but because he wasn't the world's standard. He was him. I love that. I loved him because he loved God. He loved me because I...well...I don't know exactly. I think at that point it was because I loved him and that I loved God, but I don't really know how he KNEW that he was to marry me except for the fact that I KNEW that God showed me that I was gonna marry him (I will have to ask him...).

Then over time, well, actually our entire engagement was a struggle, no a battle. We knew satan was attacking us because we were meant for good, to bring glory to His kingdom. We stood firm in what God showed us. We married.

My walls went up. Maybe because of expectations, wanting things MY way; trying to find my fulfillment in him not in our Savior. I "tried" and well really maybe I was half-assing it. I wanted to die to self and rest only in Him, but my will had desires as well. Maybe I was truly seeking Him, or learning to. Maybe this was my trial/testimony. Maybe I/we had to go through this in our marriage TO bring glory to God and His kingdom. Our eyes haven't wandered. Maybe we weren't living the truest form of sacrifice and servant-hood to each other, but our desire was for that. Thankfully we both LOVE God, the same God, the only true God. By His grace we have been set apart for his glory. Several ups and downs of emotional battles with and against each other. So tired of life being "this" way, our marriage being like "this", a relationship that had no life. Ending wasn't an option, we desired to have a fruitful marriage, with life, not just surviving.

We were in couple's groups/bible studies. We did projects...well, we are ALWAYS doing projects. We traveled, worked, lived, and made babies. We had the same views on raising our babes and we asked/ask God for guidance. We KNOW that we need to have a healthy marriage to teach our children what that looks like, for there to be stability, and trust. That might be one of the main reasons that brought me to my knees in our marriage. I want to give my children everything I can, I want to be THE example of Christ to them, I want to LIVE out His Word and I wanted to LOVE my husband. We had community, but not in-your-face community. People LIVING life WITH us. Can love and hold us accountable. Relate with and refer us back to Christ. We went to Living Stones and it was Christ-led for us. THIS is where God had us/wanted us to be. We were near the birth of Sophia so we hadn't joined any groups yet. We started small groups the middle of February. Became members. Logan started serving, then I was stable enough after having the baby that I started to serve. We both LOVE our "community groups", we love the people in them and everything they stand for and were meant for. Prayer, being in His word, wisdom, challenging, and accountability have been immeasurable.

I had been praying for years for God to rid me of myself, to release me so that I could LOVE my husband, actively. I remembered that it's not all about me. I made a commitment to love this man, action word, and I wasn't. He deserved more. He loved me with a love from Christ. God changed my heart.

I wanted to love my husband. Now I do. The action word. God is faithful.

a new leaf.

a nice day.

I like being a homemaker. I like to cook, when it turns our good. I like being creative. I like to sew things. I like being a friend. I like making people's bodies feel good. I like to bake. I like being a wife. I like being mama, especially when you take a bath with your daughters and the one who speaks tells you "ma...you're a good mom." Actually, I LOVE that. ♥

and BTW

ya, I just wrote BTW... I'm hip and with it ;)

Tallulah=potty trained, and in undies at night, so far.

and pooing, finally...after all the poo issues and having to put medicine in her buns, she is going poo on the potty.

and NO Buzoole!

She traded it in for a "primpress" (a Belle doll). and doing awesome!

and we went to Cinderella Ballet.

She loved it. the dancing and the tutus and the "daddy" that danced with Cinderella, that he is a prince and she a primpress.

and now the only movie we have been watching is Cinderella...and I don't mind at all.

Jesus, I'm Tula...

Jesus loves me this I know... right, you know the words. Well I have been purposing at teaching Tallulah, not only life and education stuff, but about the BEST stuff, Jesus and His word. I sang/said the words to that song so that she would HEAR the words and what I was saying, and she would tell me "Jesus loves me?" me: yes. T"why?" me:because he saved you. T"how do you know?" me: the bible tells me so. T"Oh! Jesus LOVES ME?!" yep, child, he does, even more than me.

The sweetest moment with my T recently was when we read to her and pray with her at bedtime. She tries to buy time and asks us to pray again, and well I said to her "YOU pray, hunny." and T said that she didn't know how and "I can't mom" (her new thing). I told her I would teach her...and we began. Now every night after I pray with her, she prays. Ah. tears every time. "Um Jesus. I'm Tula. Jesus loves me. and mommy, and daddy, and Phia. I thank you for my bunnies, my two bird houses, my funny guy, and the other one. and my one, two, three, one, two, one two, three and one baby one....snow globes (there are 7 but she gets stuck and doesn't like it when you interrupt). Jesus, my fingers, my owl blanket, my clothes,Phia's crib, my bed, my mommy, and daddy, Grandma Rose (which is newly added), uncle joe, grandma, nonni, papa....(everyone she can think of). and Jesus loves me. and God, AMEN."

What an awesome gift! Thank you JESUS for this darling child you bless me with. I adore her.

and the Phia. What a cute plump little ray of sun. I can set her down with a BOX of toys and she will sit there while I try to get some things done. She is at such a fun stage right now. and had NINE teeth! all eight fronts and half a molar! Poor thing. Growing so fast and I am just treading water...you wouldn't think I had done this before.

and Logan and I are doing so much better. not the it was "bad", but it wasn't awesome. GOd has been good. I feel like certain things have made a difference, like: being in the word, accountability, prayer, purposing at loving him, actually CARING about him, realizing that there are more needs than just MINE. I am thankful for him. He IS a dreamboat, because he was made for me.

I don't know about the future, but I am surviving right now, for He is my strength and my portion.

remembering the womb

Logan and I were talking to Tallulah and he asked her if she remembered being in mama's tummy...

Tallulah: YES!

Logan: what was it like?

T: daaarrrk. like black.

L: oh ya?! what did it sound like?

T: (whispering)

L: it was quiet?

T: YA!

Me: do you remember when you came OUT of mama?

T: ya. out of your "who".

Me: were you scared or happy?

T: SCARRRED! (with hands over her ears)

Me: when you came out and mama held you, were you scared or happy?

T: scared.

Me: after mama held you a while, were your scared or happy?

T: HAPPY!!!

She could have been making it up on the spot, but I don't think she is THAT cognitive yet. Who knows...it wasn't THAT LONG ago to HER! I BET she remembers!

A.MAZ.ING!

Tallulah

sorry for my bad attitude, impatience, intolerance, and crazy-mom-voice. I really DON'T like having murder in my eyes when I look at you. I love you my child. I just want you to obey the first time or at least learn when you are being disciplined. My heart breaks and lets a lion out when you have a bad attitude and disobey. I don't like THAT lion. I don't like being ruff with you. I want to be tender and loving and giving to you my sweet baby.

I love you and want to be an amazing mother for you. I know I NEED God's strength. He is my strength and portion for ever and ever.

I hope you don't remember THOSE moments of me, but the ones that bring glory to His heart.

You are extraordinary. but still two.

my 2 1/2 year old sponge

While making dinner tonight, Tallulah was playing with her "baby", a stuffed puppy:

Baby, get back in there! (the play shopping cart) You have a bad attitude!...You need a spank?!"

I almost wanted to die it was so funny! I immediately called Logan in STAT and had her tell daddy what her puppy was doing. and she repeated it...Oh you are too funny my sweet 2 1/2 year old sponge.

I am so thankful for my two little ladies.

They bring such joy when they aren't making me crazy/frustrated to the point of crazy. Crazy is good, I think. That means they are growing and want boundaries, right?! It gets so frustrating when you have to be a "good" parent and uphold them, though. And really right now, it's just Tallulah... the "chubby one" is just such a joy. Well she IS only 6 months old...the sweet spot.

Tallulah went poo on the potty on her own initiative today...she is getting so good! She hasn't had an accident of pee in a while. So quickly we get used to no diapers! She is growing up.

Sophia was a handful for the first 4 months, and maybe my lack of balanced hormones and lack of sleep had something to do with it, but she is a doll. So freakin cute. A smile that is contagious. A chubby little thing, much like Tallulah was, all you want to do is kiss and nuzzle her.

She does this thing when you are playing with her, making her laugh and smile, where she bows her head bashfully. SO freaking CUTE! Sophia loves it when you make eye contact (like most babies). She has been loving eating things in the mesh sack: pears, bananas, cooked apples, and now peas and carrots. But she wont get hardly anything off a spoon, and if I remember correctly, Tallulah wasn't one for baby food either...at least not till she was old enough to not need to eat it. I guess that is why my children grow teeth so early...they want to eat!

Tallulah LOVES her sister. She is so good with her, and well all babies for that matter. She loves her some Jackson (Holland).

She like to pretend that she has TWO babies in her tummy and she says "Jackson's in there" and I say "you have a boy in there?" and T: "NO, Jackson is in my tummy!" ME: "Is he your husband?" T: "NO, Phia's. Jackson is Phia's." OH! I guess we will see about that one! Maybe she will be right. God knows.

The girls LOVE their cousins. Sophia loves to watch them all play, and Tallulah loves to play with them, especially Carmine. They are so cute when they play (nicely) and are getting along! I am so thankful that she has cousins close to her age, to be friends with as they get older. Apparently, Olive was saying the whole way to church this morning that Tallulah is her friend, her BEST friend and can't wait to see her. I LOVE THAT!

I am looking forward to the time that we can have Olive or Ryland stay for a sleepover. They are so darling and are gonna have so many wonderful memories together! We will see who Sophia is friends with, since there aren't very many girls near her age...a lot of boys to choose from, though!

God. be my strength and my portion.

This has been my thing lately, that God is teaching me.

I am a crazy, fly off the handle, lunatic, mother...when my focus isn't right.

I try so hard to be the mom that I want to/should be. I am pretty good, until I loose it. Then I'm not and I end up apologizing to my daughters for my bad attitude and saying unkind things.

All I know is that I NEED HIM.

Pause. Take a deep breath and "You are my strength and my portion. please give me patience." and repeat...always repeat!

just an update

Ahhh. I have so many things I want to remember: hiccup, praying, witty, parrot, shy...

sorry. I was forgetting them as I wrote them, so now I can go into detail...

My sweet sweet Tallulah Jane, may the Good Lord bless her little soul. She is such a doll. First off, The Hiccups:

I had them the other day. I asked her "Tallulah, can you come here and give me a kiss to help the hiccups to go away?" So she hussles her sweet buns over to me and sticks her hand in front of my mouth, I hiccup, she 'grabs' it, hussles over to the kitchen opens the cabinet under the sink, and throws 'it' in the trash, then comes hussling over and says "It's okay, it all gone. ?" ??? OOHHH, she helped it go away. "No" I said, "I need a kiss to help them" (she does the trash thing one more time and still they didn't go away) and she comes back and I say "A KISS." She giggles and says "OH, he hee." and kisses me. sounds dumb now that I wrote it, but one day I will come back to it and it will be so profound of WHO she is and how she sees things ;)

Tallulah is now sleeping in her big-girl-bed and Sophia in the crib, and they are sharing the room! Such "big girls". I put them to bed at the same time now and as always, I read a book, then tuck Tallulah in, and then say prayers, the end. At naptime, we might read a book, then I tuck her in and usually thats it, but now she says to me before I leave the room, (so as to post-pone her nap), "mama, say prayers" ME: what do you want me to pray for? T: me...and fia. ME: and what should I pray about for you two? T: peace. She thinks she is pulling one over on me, but little does she know. Either way, I won't NOT pray for her and "Fia", even if she IS trying to buy time. I will take advantage of every-single-seed-planting-opportunity, well, because I love her and that soul of hers.

This 2 1/2 year old is a sponge. So freakin witty. So silly. She was playing in her pool and called me over to look at a bug and when I got close she splashes me (I put splashes instead of splashed because it happened more than once). I was telling Logan something Erin was describing to me about Judah, and well, good thing I wasn't talking bad about someone, because she UNDERSTOOD and repeated everything I said!

Note to self: better watch out!

and now my sweet sweet Sophia Louise. Oh how I love her buns. She is so sticken cute. and well, looks just like me ;)

I think she is such a doll, and now when you get her to laugh by tickling her or giving her "bunny kisses" she gives a hardy chuckle then puts her head down, like she is hiding? being bashful? like it is so funny, she has to take a moment and collect herself? I don't know but she is doing something that makes you want to kiss her all the more...I can't wait to see what it ends up progressing to be!

She has such a darling, full faced, smile. A cute, raspy laugh. And well, cheeks that won't quite, both kinds. I didn't know how much love I could have for TWO girls, but it keeps growing.

and my dear husband...

I do love him. I have been his wife for over eight years. I am JUST know learning what it is to be be his wife, a good wife. Loving him. beyond me. what?! I am not the only one that needs things and feels things? say what?! I am not saying that I am DOING these things, apparently I am just trying to battle the enemy, who likes us to have mediocre marriages, and hopefully soon-ish, I/We will have his head on my mantle. Thank you JESUS that I have a husband who loves the Lord and is in this with me.

biG Girl

Tallulah is becoming a 'big girl'.

She always wants to wear dresses to bed, so we told her if she goes potty on the 'big girl' potty, then she can wear a jammy-dress to bed that night. She has worn a jammy-dress for the past 3 of 4 nights because of it.

She has been sitting in her high chair without the tray but scooted up to the table with the rest of us.

She drinks out of 'mommy and daddy' cups at meal time.

She slept in her 'big' bed last night and did great.

Today she has been talking about getting older.

She was telling me that when she is older she will get boobies like mama, and have babies, and give them mamas. and the babies (yes, plural) will be a little owie, but it is okay because they will call her mama, or mommy. she starts to smile.

This is exactly how the conversation went.

I love this little girl and it is such a joy to watch her grow!

Tallulah's dream

this was told to me by Logan:

This morning when Tallulah woke up I went into her room to get her, this is how our conversation went:
Me: "Good morning beautiful! How did you sleep?"
T: (super chipper and happy) "Yeah!! Good!"
Me: "Did you have good dreams?"
T: "Yeah!!"
Me: "What were they about?"
T: "Rylee... and dancing... and Coral!!"
Me: "You had dreams about dancing with Rylee and Coral?"
T: (huge grin, arms up, dancing in her crib) "YEAH!!"

A.MAZ.ing!

intruder? hello, you there?

I came home after bringing dinner to Logan at the recording studio to an open garage door. I guess it must not have closed when I left. I began anxious. I called Logan before pulling into the garage, i guess so that if someone was to hurt me he would hear it? Anyways, he answered his phone (thank God) and I proceed to walk into the house, leaving the girls in the car. I call out to Nova and she is there. I figured she would act all nervous if there were an intruder. She was excited to see me. I continue to search the house with her. No one was there. ahhh. I get off the phone with Logan and bring my girls in and put them to bed. I come downstairs and realized the front door was unlocked the entire time as well! I knew in my mind that no "bad guys" were in my house, but it was so hard to not be anxious, nervous, fearful, etc. My mind runs through the whole scenario all over again. How should I hold the gun, would I want to still live there if I had to shot someone in my kitchen, whose house would I go to with the girls if I couldn't stay there tonight...silly...but not. They are all very REAL to me. AND I didn't have access to the gun since Logan had it. (I think I need my own, now.) So I text Logan and ask if he would pray for me and the girls; that He would protect us and bring me peace. I guess that shows some level of maturity of my faith. I am so glad I have HIM, Emanuel, my God and Protector.

Having/raising children is the most 'character building' thing "I" have ever done. Thank you Jesus for holding me still, holding me close, in your arms of Love.

5 of the cutest things (right now)

My babies are so darling. Tallulah is trying to go potty in the big girls potty now. Sometimes she thinks her potties are gonna hurt and that they are afraid to come out. So we talk to the potties (since they 'obviously' talk to us...they toot to say they are gonna come out). The cutest thing (in a weird way) is watching Tallulah lean over and talk to her potty..."it's okay poops. I'm right here, and mommy and Sophia. Don't be scared. It's not gonna hurt. It'll be okay..." second cute thing: Tallulah 'talking' on the phone to, well, anyone. She actually talks, understands, and carries on a conversation. Walking around, laughing, and rolling her eyes while she is thinking about how to answer/respond. This happens during real AND pretend calls. Number 3: she thinks everything can interact AND respond/should respond. "Hey bear! Bear?! BEAR!!! You see that?!" and she continues until we respond and translate to the bear, or whatever it is. number 4: dancing. That girls LOVES to dance. and loves dresses. pretty ones. and must show you how it spins (which reminds me of my Aunt Mary Ann. When she was little, my Grandma would make her clothes and she always had to do the twirl test to make sure it flared out properly). and last (for now) number 5: watching her take care of her babies, particularly, feeding them. She lifts up her shirt/dress and puts the baby right to breast. Walks around..."oh, burps!" stops and burps the baby, then to the other "breast", burps, and them holds them and sings, "mama's baby....". Oh, she is a hunny.

Then there is the other one. My little coconut, Sophia. She is a doll. Her whole face lights up and changes when she smiles, which is so contagious. She is rolling over. Sleeping at least 6 hours, but as long as 9 hours at night (which seemed to take for-ev-er, but really is pretty good considering a lot of babies can't/don't do this till they are a year old). She LOVES her sister. Loves watching Tallulah and Olive and Carmine play. She is my dad's "birthday buddy" which I think means more to my dad than I could imagine. (God knew). She looks like me. She looks like my dad. She looks like my Grandma Colonna. She is a chubby, sweet, big 'santa claus' eyed little doll.

Oh, how they sweetest things in life...and I say this completely exhausted, feeling crazy and overwhelmed, with a disaster of a house.

your kidding, right?!

The other day I locked both girls, my purse and my keys in the car at 9pm. Man! Thankfully I was leaving my parents house so I could use there phone and daddy could help me break in. Tallulah was screaming to Nonni for her blanket and her bazzool (pacifier). I think if she had those, she would have been helpful, but instead was hysterical, which in turn made Sophia hysterical. It's funny, all the things that come into your head all at once when this sort of thing happens. My mom just wanted to break a window to get to them. I knew I couldn't afford that, and they weren't dieing/starving/cold/hot/in any danger yet to go to that extreme and Logan would be PISSED! especially since he has broken into that car like a million times, (not with screaming children and a mothers hormones ;) ) so it can be done. Logan was at home and gearing up to bring me a key on the motorcycle and sent me a drawing of how to bend the wire and insert it into the door to my mom's phone. By then, my dad had the door pryed oped enough to insert the hanger in that way. We finally got it with a few 'dings' to the soft metal around the door (Logan wasn't to excited about, by the way), but I got my screaming girls out. Praise God! So thankful my parents were there and I wasn't in a scary parking lot with no phone and no tools. NOTE TO SELF: don't bother calling 911; they said they would just send the fire dept and that they would break the window...I could break the GD window! I think maybe they can't say they can 'slim jim' it otherwise they would get phone calls all the time. But seriously! I had two babies in the friggen car! Stupid tax dollars apparently couldn't go to a few slim jims. anyways... So now I am guessing, "I've done that now, so no need to worry about that happening again, right?!"

mundane love

I won't be long since I don't have time. I just must remember this of my sweet child and her glorious heart.

Yesterday Tallulah, Sophia, and I got in the truck to drive to my parents house so I could go to work and I open the garage door and it was snowing.

Tallulah says "it's SNOW!"

and I said "ya, God made it snow!"

"For MEEE?!!!?!" she replied.

"ya God made it snow for you because He loves you!"

Tallulah: "and MOMMY! and Daddy. Daddy loves snow!"

Oh bless her heart.

yes. God DOES DO incredible, mundane things to show us he loves us...and to make us feel special. So we can wear our cute boots.

being mom

I was the picture of what a mom puts up with without throwing up: covered in baby poo, pee, spit up, milk...literally, covered. My mental state must be better than the last few days, since I didn't freak out...just realized ALL THREE girls will be taking a bath together this morning. Might as well make something fun out of a 'crappy' situation.

we are like sheep

Angel and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

yes. It was completely that. I can hardly even remember what I did that day. (Well since the baby was born for that matter.)

It was Sunday. Hardly slept the night before, due to the 'sweet pea' not sleeping, but instead crying and wanting to eat, then not wanting to eat, then gas bubbles, then...you get it. I didn't get much sleep, but woke up, ready to go to church; to get ready on time. To worship. I look outside and there is literally a foot and a half of snow. Glorious, blinding snow. The morning service cancelled. Thank God I checked before herding this family out the door and struggling to get there on time.

Since it had snowed, Logan was gonna shovel the walk and drive way. (I really wanted to make cookies but needed supplies from the store, so he was going to clear the way and go to the store for me.) He is a good man. Tallulah wanted to play outside with him while he did it...and they had fun. Tallulah came in due to being cold about an hour later. He stayed out there. I assumed he was still shoveling. A while later, I opened the door and called for him. No answer. He must be shoveling our neighbors walk, because he is good like that. So I started to make lunch for Tallulah and I since it was way past lunch time, and heading into nap time...all while I had a baby that only wanted to be held and wiggled in odd ways to keep from crying...not wanting to eat, but needed to eat. I was exhausted to say the least.

I thought, "maybe I should look out the window and make sure he isn't hurt...see where he is and if he wants lunch..." only to my surprise, he has built a snow fort...yay?! I got crazy furious. This whole time I have been in HERE taking care of THESE children when I cannot even think I am so exhausted and he has the nerve to build a G.D. fort and be frolicking in the snow!!! Seriously?!? I would love to just relax and do what I want, but I don't have that LUXURY! Oh I was so freaking mad! And he comes in like there is no problem. No reason for me to be mad. OH Errrr!

I was angry and hurt to the point of tears. I couldn't hold them back. My child wont sleep. She wont eat. She is in pain. Was it something I ate or caused? Did I not burp her enough? My boobs are splitting at the seams. Sophia doesn't want them. Is she ever gonna want them or is she refusing ME?! Tallulah is testing me like crazy; only wanting daddy. I'm hungry and so is T. I am deliriously tired. and now this. From the man I have slowly begun to trust and entrust myself and the children to; and he (in my mind) didn't get IT! He had been asking to help (recently) and I needed his help and was finally allowing him to help me, and now he wasn't.

I said delirious things out of hurt and anger. I ran upstairs. Logan told T not to listen.

I took a nap and so did T and Sophia. Logan went to the store. We all woke up with enough time to get ready for church. We were able to talk. I appoligized and so did he. I asked Tallulah to forgive me. Things were better. I was nervous wondering how Sophia was gonna be in church after all this...the lack of sleep and eating. God completely blessed this time. Sophia slept and we worshiped. Thank you to the good Lord who never seizes to love and have patience with us. Guiding us and changing our character.

Now, all this being said...I have been spending the past week on this one chapter of devotion: No more yuckies.(The Bathtub is Overflowing But I Feel Drained, by Lysa Terkeurst) (thank you Erin!)

Come to find out, this is what God has been working on/in me all week. (I'm sure, much longer, I have just been desiring and searching and meditating with a purpose in it lately) Why don't we see it coming?! I can completely see why we are compared to as sheep in the bible...ignorant...reactionary...oblivious to what is coming or what is ahead...we NEED our Shepherd!

Lysa TerKeurst describes this moment she took to pray with her daughter when her daughter was sick and this is what her child says: "Lord, thank you for this most wonderful day. Please help me to stop being sick. But most of all, thank you for this most wonderful day." She then writes: "With tears in my eyes I thought, I want to be just like her when I grow up. In the middle of life's yuck I want to still be able to see God's goodness and thank Him for each wonderful day. Instead, I often get caught up in the emotional waves of life's ups and downs and lose sight of God's goodness."

THIS was exactly what I was going through, and thankfully the Lord reminded me of this that afternoon (before I spoke with Logan). Praying and trying to prepare my heart for church, I prayed, "God. thank you for this day. thank you for showing me who I am without you. my flesh. who I am naturally, with no energy to practice self control. I am so sorry. Forgive me. Thank you, thank you for this day and the character building. showing me how much pride I hide in my heart. continue to change me. THANK YOU for this wonderful day."

It truly IS wonderful when He is still actively changing our hearts. changing us. It means we can hear His voice and we are His. Finally, I am starting to get it. After, what, 25 years of walking with Him?! I am such a sheep.

Thank you Lord for being my Shepard. Please purify my heart. Ride it of pride and expectations. I want to be merciful and full of grace. But most of all, thank you for this most wonderful day.

Labor day

This year Labor day fell on January 26, 2010.

I started having contractions around 3:30am. 9 minutes apart. really bad low back pain like period cramps. They got closer together. By 6am they were 5 minutes apart. I woke up Logan and said "I really think you need to get up and get ready...I think she is coming today." I took a shower, finished packing Tallulah's bag, and ours. Called my dad to say happy birthday and I think I will be giving him a baby for his birthday. They got ready so they could get Tallulah from us at the hospital. Logan called his parents. This wasn't a fake out like last weeks contractions. It was happening.

We got to the hospital at 7am. I was dilated to a 5 and the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. I felt like I could possibly do this without an epidural this time, but fluids in me just in case. Progressed quickly. Had a half dose of Fentynol to take the edge off. By 11ish I was already an 8. Logan's mom took Tallulah to our house for a nap. My doctor was in a meeting till 1:15, so my goal was to wait till then. By 130 I was ready. Where is he?! I had to WAIT for the doctor to get there; he ran red lights. I couldn't hold off any longer, baby was pushing and I couldn't stop my natural instincts...but had to! Dr. Johnson came in the room. I said "I need you!" They said I could start pushing. WAIT!!! Slow down, hold it. don't push! okay one more. At 2:05pm, Sweet baby Sophia placed/slipped off the doctors hands onto my tummy. She was here! and I didn't want to spank her! 3 pushes, 3 half doses of drugs, 11 hours of labor. That was it! I wasn't on fire. My back quit hurting. My heart was at peace seeing my second born for the first time. She wasn't gurgley. She was slimy and pink and white. She could breathe and scream and wiggle. Oh how I love those first moments...the smallest things hold such meaning and you can breathe again. All is well in the world. and MY doctor was the one who delivered. Oh how we love him.

She weighed in at 7 pounds 11 ounces. 21 inches long. Oh the sweetness of a smaller child. Tallulah paved the way at 8 pounds 8 ounces. The difference was all head and cheeks.

Giving birth is NOT the end of the world. I could do it again. and maybe I am the rare exception- the babies get smaller and the delivery gets quicker (well thats not rare). Hopefully that continues.

I wanted to write this down before I forgot. It isn't eloquent. but it happened. and Oh how I love my girls.

a forwarded email...

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placedground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.

She did and noted they were soft. The mother then asked the

daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile.

Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however.After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit; but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying; and everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling; and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be COFFEE!

planes

So yesterday, the only way to get Tallulah through the day/distract her so we cooperate, was talking about getting daddy at the airport. She would tell me all on her own, without encouragement from me, that daddy was on the plane. It sounded like this...(place T's impersonation of a plane sound here). That it was in the sky, with the birds (that sound like this...). and that he would be crying... So I asked her "why is daddy crying?" and she says "he crying, mama and baby, (cry sound here), ug." so I said to her "daddy is crying because he misses mama and baby and he wants to hug them?"..."YA!...happy!" This wasn't just ONE time. EVERY time she talked about it, this is what she said! How in the world did I get something so cute?!

and on top of that, all she wants to carry around with her is her bible.

spicy

Tallulah is learning and saying so many new words and using them in context. I love this stage more than all the rest and it is so fun to watch. (and of course, it makes you think your child is just the smartest thing ever!)

The other day we had chicken tacos and she learned what spicy was. So we had her drink some milk to calm the taste buds down. The next day she was saying her milk was spicy and I thought she was just using the new word because it was new...I mean...milk isn't spicy!? She kept saying this so I thought maybe there was some spice left on the cup, so I washed the top off and told her it wasn't spicy. She continued in this manner, until I thought "well that's weird...let me try it"...so I take a sip and SPICY! It was spoiled or on its way quickly! Poor thing was right the whole time...

maybe she is the smartest thing ever!

sharing life= love

Every day I fall more in love with my child. The more I know her, the more she knows me...we are sharing life. It is hard and it is sweet.

I am starting to understand that it isn't the easy/happy times that give us a true love for someone. Sharing life= a life of love. The friends I hold dearest to my heart are actually ones that I have had conflict with (if just in my heart), the ones I have shared life with, not just the good times.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. My love grows deeper into a more stable, reliable, sharing life together, caring-about-THEIR-feelings relationship. I appreciate the trust and partnership that all these years have brought. I KNOW he loves me.

I think back on our relationship and what comes to mind...projects! I cannot think of a time that we weren't making/fixing/creating something. We may not be the spontaneous, adventurous, passionate, rock'n'rollers like we once 'thought' we were. We love to be creative, inventive, considerate, using our (God-given) gifts to build into the lives around us with love. I guess that is how I would describe our life together. My hope is that we would try our hardest to encourage, support, and allow the other to be who they are (I am saying this because I need to do this more), and loving them because of who they are.

I peck at him (all the time) for his imperfections 'because I think he can be better,' but maybe I should just shut up and love HIM...the action word. The rest will follow, right?!

I am so thankful for my husband. He lives life WITH me.

He gave me part of himself for my darling child(ren).

He continues to give himself for our family, giving us life.

So I may not act "in love" but that is because I love HIM, not just the idea of him.

I am thankful that we love and serve the same God. We have the same end goal in mind. We both are accountable to the One True God. We look to Him for guidance, provision, mercy, and an ability to love.

I am thankful for the One who gives us life.