took 8 years of fall to get spring

for my amazing husband...and to remember what God has done in us:

God is so good.

I have been married for 8 years. I have loved my husband for almost 9. I have struggled with how to LIVE this out for well, about 8 years. How did something so amazing and wonderful and life-changing become so...well... life-changing?! I remember that I loved him. I remember what had me love him. His heart, his love to serve and his humility before our great God. I loved his gentleness. He was kind. He was raw and vulnerable, in the way a man who loves God should be. He meant what he said and he said what he meant. He was love-able, like he needed to be loved. He deserved to be loved. He was smart, no, brilliant. He was creative and had thoughts. He was unique, to the truest form of the word. He was confident, not because he met the world's standards, but because he wasn't the world's standard. He was him. I love that. I loved him because he loved God. He loved me because I...well...I don't know exactly. I think at that point it was because I loved him and that I loved God, but I don't really know how he KNEW that he was to marry me except for the fact that I KNEW that God showed me that I was gonna marry him (I will have to ask him...).

Then over time, well, actually our entire engagement was a struggle, no a battle. We knew satan was attacking us because we were meant for good, to bring glory to His kingdom. We stood firm in what God showed us. We married.

My walls went up. Maybe because of expectations, wanting things MY way; trying to find my fulfillment in him not in our Savior. I "tried" and well really maybe I was half-assing it. I wanted to die to self and rest only in Him, but my will had desires as well. Maybe I was truly seeking Him, or learning to. Maybe this was my trial/testimony. Maybe I/we had to go through this in our marriage TO bring glory to God and His kingdom. Our eyes haven't wandered. Maybe we weren't living the truest form of sacrifice and servant-hood to each other, but our desire was for that. Thankfully we both LOVE God, the same God, the only true God. By His grace we have been set apart for his glory. Several ups and downs of emotional battles with and against each other. So tired of life being "this" way, our marriage being like "this", a relationship that had no life. Ending wasn't an option, we desired to have a fruitful marriage, with life, not just surviving.

We were in couple's groups/bible studies. We did projects...well, we are ALWAYS doing projects. We traveled, worked, lived, and made babies. We had the same views on raising our babes and we asked/ask God for guidance. We KNOW that we need to have a healthy marriage to teach our children what that looks like, for there to be stability, and trust. That might be one of the main reasons that brought me to my knees in our marriage. I want to give my children everything I can, I want to be THE example of Christ to them, I want to LIVE out His Word and I wanted to LOVE my husband. We had community, but not in-your-face community. People LIVING life WITH us. Can love and hold us accountable. Relate with and refer us back to Christ. We went to Living Stones and it was Christ-led for us. THIS is where God had us/wanted us to be. We were near the birth of Sophia so we hadn't joined any groups yet. We started small groups the middle of February. Became members. Logan started serving, then I was stable enough after having the baby that I started to serve. We both LOVE our "community groups", we love the people in them and everything they stand for and were meant for. Prayer, being in His word, wisdom, challenging, and accountability have been immeasurable.

I had been praying for years for God to rid me of myself, to release me so that I could LOVE my husband, actively. I remembered that it's not all about me. I made a commitment to love this man, action word, and I wasn't. He deserved more. He loved me with a love from Christ. God changed my heart.

I wanted to love my husband. Now I do. The action word. God is faithful.

a new leaf.