being mom

I was the picture of what a mom puts up with without throwing up: covered in baby poo, pee, spit up, milk...literally, covered. My mental state must be better than the last few days, since I didn't freak out...just realized ALL THREE girls will be taking a bath together this morning. Might as well make something fun out of a 'crappy' situation.

we are like sheep

Angel and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

yes. It was completely that. I can hardly even remember what I did that day. (Well since the baby was born for that matter.)

It was Sunday. Hardly slept the night before, due to the 'sweet pea' not sleeping, but instead crying and wanting to eat, then not wanting to eat, then gas bubbles, then...you get it. I didn't get much sleep, but woke up, ready to go to church; to get ready on time. To worship. I look outside and there is literally a foot and a half of snow. Glorious, blinding snow. The morning service cancelled. Thank God I checked before herding this family out the door and struggling to get there on time.

Since it had snowed, Logan was gonna shovel the walk and drive way. (I really wanted to make cookies but needed supplies from the store, so he was going to clear the way and go to the store for me.) He is a good man. Tallulah wanted to play outside with him while he did it...and they had fun. Tallulah came in due to being cold about an hour later. He stayed out there. I assumed he was still shoveling. A while later, I opened the door and called for him. No answer. He must be shoveling our neighbors walk, because he is good like that. So I started to make lunch for Tallulah and I since it was way past lunch time, and heading into nap time...all while I had a baby that only wanted to be held and wiggled in odd ways to keep from crying...not wanting to eat, but needed to eat. I was exhausted to say the least.

I thought, "maybe I should look out the window and make sure he isn't hurt...see where he is and if he wants lunch..." only to my surprise, he has built a snow fort...yay?! I got crazy furious. This whole time I have been in HERE taking care of THESE children when I cannot even think I am so exhausted and he has the nerve to build a G.D. fort and be frolicking in the snow!!! Seriously?!? I would love to just relax and do what I want, but I don't have that LUXURY! Oh I was so freaking mad! And he comes in like there is no problem. No reason for me to be mad. OH Errrr!

I was angry and hurt to the point of tears. I couldn't hold them back. My child wont sleep. She wont eat. She is in pain. Was it something I ate or caused? Did I not burp her enough? My boobs are splitting at the seams. Sophia doesn't want them. Is she ever gonna want them or is she refusing ME?! Tallulah is testing me like crazy; only wanting daddy. I'm hungry and so is T. I am deliriously tired. and now this. From the man I have slowly begun to trust and entrust myself and the children to; and he (in my mind) didn't get IT! He had been asking to help (recently) and I needed his help and was finally allowing him to help me, and now he wasn't.

I said delirious things out of hurt and anger. I ran upstairs. Logan told T not to listen.

I took a nap and so did T and Sophia. Logan went to the store. We all woke up with enough time to get ready for church. We were able to talk. I appoligized and so did he. I asked Tallulah to forgive me. Things were better. I was nervous wondering how Sophia was gonna be in church after all this...the lack of sleep and eating. God completely blessed this time. Sophia slept and we worshiped. Thank you to the good Lord who never seizes to love and have patience with us. Guiding us and changing our character.

Now, all this being said...I have been spending the past week on this one chapter of devotion: No more yuckies.(The Bathtub is Overflowing But I Feel Drained, by Lysa Terkeurst) (thank you Erin!)

Come to find out, this is what God has been working on/in me all week. (I'm sure, much longer, I have just been desiring and searching and meditating with a purpose in it lately) Why don't we see it coming?! I can completely see why we are compared to as sheep in the bible...ignorant...reactionary...oblivious to what is coming or what is ahead...we NEED our Shepherd!

Lysa TerKeurst describes this moment she took to pray with her daughter when her daughter was sick and this is what her child says: "Lord, thank you for this most wonderful day. Please help me to stop being sick. But most of all, thank you for this most wonderful day." She then writes: "With tears in my eyes I thought, I want to be just like her when I grow up. In the middle of life's yuck I want to still be able to see God's goodness and thank Him for each wonderful day. Instead, I often get caught up in the emotional waves of life's ups and downs and lose sight of God's goodness."

THIS was exactly what I was going through, and thankfully the Lord reminded me of this that afternoon (before I spoke with Logan). Praying and trying to prepare my heart for church, I prayed, "God. thank you for this day. thank you for showing me who I am without you. my flesh. who I am naturally, with no energy to practice self control. I am so sorry. Forgive me. Thank you, thank you for this day and the character building. showing me how much pride I hide in my heart. continue to change me. THANK YOU for this wonderful day."

It truly IS wonderful when He is still actively changing our hearts. changing us. It means we can hear His voice and we are His. Finally, I am starting to get it. After, what, 25 years of walking with Him?! I am such a sheep.

Thank you Lord for being my Shepard. Please purify my heart. Ride it of pride and expectations. I want to be merciful and full of grace. But most of all, thank you for this most wonderful day.

Labor day

This year Labor day fell on January 26, 2010.

I started having contractions around 3:30am. 9 minutes apart. really bad low back pain like period cramps. They got closer together. By 6am they were 5 minutes apart. I woke up Logan and said "I really think you need to get up and get ready...I think she is coming today." I took a shower, finished packing Tallulah's bag, and ours. Called my dad to say happy birthday and I think I will be giving him a baby for his birthday. They got ready so they could get Tallulah from us at the hospital. Logan called his parents. This wasn't a fake out like last weeks contractions. It was happening.

We got to the hospital at 7am. I was dilated to a 5 and the contractions were 3-5 minutes apart. I felt like I could possibly do this without an epidural this time, but fluids in me just in case. Progressed quickly. Had a half dose of Fentynol to take the edge off. By 11ish I was already an 8. Logan's mom took Tallulah to our house for a nap. My doctor was in a meeting till 1:15, so my goal was to wait till then. By 130 I was ready. Where is he?! I had to WAIT for the doctor to get there; he ran red lights. I couldn't hold off any longer, baby was pushing and I couldn't stop my natural instincts...but had to! Dr. Johnson came in the room. I said "I need you!" They said I could start pushing. WAIT!!! Slow down, hold it. don't push! okay one more. At 2:05pm, Sweet baby Sophia placed/slipped off the doctors hands onto my tummy. She was here! and I didn't want to spank her! 3 pushes, 3 half doses of drugs, 11 hours of labor. That was it! I wasn't on fire. My back quit hurting. My heart was at peace seeing my second born for the first time. She wasn't gurgley. She was slimy and pink and white. She could breathe and scream and wiggle. Oh how I love those first moments...the smallest things hold such meaning and you can breathe again. All is well in the world. and MY doctor was the one who delivered. Oh how we love him.

She weighed in at 7 pounds 11 ounces. 21 inches long. Oh the sweetness of a smaller child. Tallulah paved the way at 8 pounds 8 ounces. The difference was all head and cheeks.

Giving birth is NOT the end of the world. I could do it again. and maybe I am the rare exception- the babies get smaller and the delivery gets quicker (well thats not rare). Hopefully that continues.

I wanted to write this down before I forgot. It isn't eloquent. but it happened. and Oh how I love my girls.